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Try and leave this world a little better than you found it, and when your turn comes to die, you can die happy in feeling that at any rate, you have not wasted your time but have done your best.

—Robert Baden-Powell

One Foot Tsunami has always been a labor of love. Since 2009, I’ve been proud to amuse, entertain, and inform tens of thousands of readers just about every weekday. Following the results of America’s election on November 5, 2024, however, I simply didn’t have it in me. When Donald Trump was again announced as the next president of the United States, I felt compelled to take some time off from writing.

Back in November 2016, I took a similar break. Eventually, the shock of Trump’s first victory ebbed slightly, and I published “Where We Go From Here”. That piece was a rallying cry against the self-serving and mendacious forces that were set to take control of America’s executive branch. Though I was disheartened by what was happening, I was not daunted. I was determined to fight back by doing what I could to make the world a better place.

Eight years later, I am aghast that we’ve wound up right back in the same godforsaken place. Trump’s distressing re-election in 2024 feels worse than 2016, because this time we know what to expect. His first term featured lowlights too numerous to even begin to list, but it ended with a mob attacking Congress in an effort to prevent Joe Biden from taking office. When America miraculously survived that attempted coup, it seemed impossible that Trump could do anything but whine off into the sunset.

And yet in fewer than four years, the worst person in the world has managed a sickening comeback and will soon retake the planet’s most powerful position. Despite everything that is known about Donald Trump, from the arrogance to the incompetence to the misappropriation of classified documents and outright treason, some 76 million of my fellow Americans checked the box next to “Sign us up for more of that shit show”.

I had been describing myself as disgusted by this result, but I eventually realized that was incorrect. What I actually am is disillusioned. America was a dream, and now that dream is gone from me. Holding on to beliefs like “good triumphs over evil” and “justice will be served” has always required taking a long view. But now, when a convicted felon has yet again managed to evade consequences and scam his way into the presidency, I find my faith in my country shattered. It lies in pieces at my feet and I am unsure what I’m going to do about that.

But while I am dismayed, I am not defeated. As in 2016, I am again beating back the coming darkness by helping others. For me, that still means donating platelets to heal the sick. It means supporting organizations that will fight the worst excesses of the coming administration, starting with a contribution to the ACLU. It means little things like picking up trash in the park, reporting potholes to the city, and sharing a kind word. In short, it means striving always to leave things better than I found them.

Even as cruelty is ascendent, we must not be done with kindness. Let us also not be done with joy. Instead, we should locate humor wherever we can and revel in it. The darkest times still contain something to laugh about. We’re going to continue to find it right here, together.

On Monday, I’m going to go back to doing what I’ve done just about every weekday for fifteen years and counting. See you then.

[You get out there and you find that f’ing dog.]

Down in Colombia, four young children who survived a plane crash were found after 40 days in the Amazon. That’s a hell of a thing. Still, there are some issues with the process authorities used to locate them. In particular, they may have found the kids, but now they’ve lost a search dog.

[The children] told officials that they had found a dog – a Belgian Shepherd search dog named Wilson that belonged to special forces. The dog had gone missing on May 18, Suárez said. “The kids told us that they spent three or four days with Wilson and that they (found) him quite skinny,” he added.

I’m glad the children are safe and sound, but where is Wilson now? Let’s focus up here, people.

Link: https://www.cnn.com/2023/06/11/world/colombia-missing-children-how-they-survived-intl-hnk/index.html

Recently, I received an invitation to an event to be held at Boston’s Museum of Science. It was billed as an “electrifying experience”, due to the presence of the world’s largest air-insulated Van de Graaff generator.

With a name like “Sparks After Dark”, it was only natural that I would repeatedly read the invitation out loud in an over-the-top and utterly ridiculous townie accent. As one does. While practicing that tomfoolery, I then realized that the second paragraph’s bizarrely long list reads like a Stefon sketch.

And so, I present you with this nonsense:

You can listen for this ad on Boston-area radio stations for the next week. You won’t actually hear it, but nothing can stop you from listening for it.

Earlier this week, I mailed out a card to a few dozen friends. But you, dear reader? You deserve a card too.

Why look, it’s a card for you! With a lovely matching stamp, affixed at a jaunty angle!

It’s so festive!

Well, that’s very nice. But wait, what the hell holiday are we celebrating?

There is a definitive answer to that question, and you can find it in the third image. When you come across it, you’ll know.

In the ’80s and ’90s, teaching people to type was big business. Nintendo’s Mario was happy to instruct you, or you might go with the much more staid Typing Tutor. The biggest name in typing utilities, however, was Mavis Beacon, of “Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing”.

“I remember, at [computer trade show] Comdex in 1987, walking around and having some of the competitors from two of the original typing products come up to me and say: ‘What a coup! How did you get Mavis Beacon to endorse your product? We’ve been after her endorsement for years,’” Abrams told The New York Times. “And when they did that, I knew we had a hit.”

The catch is that despite pictures of an actual woman appearing on the box, Mavis Beacon wasn’t real.

Link: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/seeking-mavis-beacon-teaches-typing-real-story-b2035096.html

This just sounds awful, so naturally I wanted to share it with you. Finishing 28th really makes this seem not at all worth it.

Previously in penis-related pain: More Stings to the Penis, Please

Link: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/remi-lindholm-frozen-penis-winter-olympics_n_6212422ee4b0f93b2619ce28